How to Talk About Suicide Openly and Compassionately - Tara Adams

May 2

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Tara Adams - Bio

Tara Adams is the owner of Abridge Consulting specializing in workplace mental health and workplace suicide prevention. Abridge Consulting clients are organizations and teams who are ready to invest in their people, culture, and bottom line.

“I founded Abridge Consulting based on a simple, but not easy, goal - to get more people, more help, sooner. I believe we can all learn how to be a bridge between people with declining mental health and getting them the support, they need and deserve.”

With a strong background in learning and facilitation and a passion for workplace mental health, Tara spent several years as a Corporate Wellness Manager. During that time, she championed workplace mental health and overall employee total health for 6,000 employees by building enterprise-wide strategies for mental, physical, emotional, and financial wellness. The results of her workplace mental health training program were closely measured and outperformed similar organizations across Canada positioning her as an industry leader in workplace mental health.

Tara calls herself a “relatable” role model who does the best she can to invest in her own mental, physical and sleep health but like most of us, she knows she can always do more. Tara is a busy working mom of two, is a semi-competitive tennis player and has big plans to conquer the amateur senior’s tennis tour someday.

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“Let’s get more people, more help, sooner.”

— Tara Adams

Specialties:

Workplace Wellbeing
Workplace Mental Health
Workplace Suicide Prevention
Consulting, public speaking, facilitation, emcee

Credentials:

LivingWorks: Certified Trainer for SafeTalk, Certificates in ASIST Applied Suicide Intervention Skills, SafeTalk, and Start.
Pallium: Certified Trainer for Compassion in the Workplace
Mental Health Commission of Canada: Certified Trainer for The Working Mind for Managers and Employees, Certified Trainer for The Working Mind for Coaches and Athletes, and Mental Health First Aid Certificate.
Queen’s University, Mental Health Leadership Certificate.

Contact Links:

LinkedIn Business
Facebook Profile
Twitter Profile
Hashtags #workplacewellbeing #workplacementalhealth #workplacesuicideprevention

Summary:

Tara Adams is a seasoned advocate for mental health and suicide prevention. Tara discusses the importance of talking about suicide and reducing the stigma surrounding this complex topic. She emphasizes the need for suicide prevention in the workplace and provides insights into her course on building a suicide-safer workplace.

Tara also shares advice on how to talk to children about suicide and highlights the significance of creating a safe space for conversations. She discusses the commonality of thoughts of suicide and the importance of language in ending stigma.

We also talk about the necessity of compassionate language and understanding the commonality of suicidal thoughts, the importance of language in ending stigma, and encourage listeners to honour lived experiences.

Takeaways:

Open Dialogue: Emphasize the importance of talking openly about suicide to break down stigma and promote a better understanding of its complexities. This openness can pave the way for more supportive environments at home, work, and in broader social contexts.
Educational Outreach: Highlight the critical role of education in suicide prevention. By learning more about the signs, the language appropriate for discussing it, and how to offer support, individuals can become proactive participants in saving lives and offering hope.
Safe Communication Strategies: Discuss how to create safe spaces for talking about suicide, especially in sensitive environments or when engaging with vulnerable populations, such as children. It's crucial to approach these conversations with care, ensuring they are appropriate for the listener's age and emotional state.
Language and Perception: Reinforce the power of language in shaping perceptions about suicide. Encourage the use of respectful and non-stigmatizing language that fosters empathy and understanding rather than judgment.
Building Support Networks: Illustrate the necessity of robust support systems, both informal (family, friends) and formal (workplaces, schools). These networks can provide critical help and intervention at the right moments, contributing significantly to prevention efforts.
Actionable Insights for Listeners: Provide listeners with actionable insights such as how to initiate conversations about mental health, the importance of being an approachable and informed confidante, and how to connect people to professional help when needed.

Definition, Resources and Example Accommodations:

Definition: Suicide

Suicide is the act of, or attempting to end one’s own life.

Suicide and the language we use:

Say "died by suicide" or "took their own life" instead of "committed suicide." The term "committed" is often associated with crimes and can perpetuate stigma.
Use "person-first" language, such as "a person who died by suicide" instead of "a suicide." This emphasizes the individuality of the person, not defining them by their actions.
Avoid details about the method used, as this can be triggering for some people and is generally not relevant to a respectful discussion of the issue.
Speak of suicide as a public health issue rather than a personal failure, which helps frame the topic within a context of prevention and treatment.
Avoid romanticizing or sensationalizing suicide, which can inadvertently glamorize the act and influence vulnerable individuals negatively.
Be sensitive when discussing statistics or personal stories, ensuring the focus remains on awareness, prevention, and respect for the bereaved and those who have experienced suicidal thoughts or attempts.

Resources:

Chapters:

00:00:00 Talking About Suicide Prevention and Awareness

00:12:51 Talking About Thoughts of Suicide

00:26:00 Changing Stigma Through Language

00:38:19 Honouring the Past, Moving Forward

Transcript

Tim Reitsma 00:00

Today's episode has a content warning, as my and I talk about this complex topic suicide awareness and prevention.

Tara Adams 00:08

It's really scary. So there's lots of reasons why people don't feel comfortable with the word. I don't think my goal is that everybody feels comfortable with the word. I think my goal is everybody can say the word, could say out loud I have thoughts of suicide, I don't know what to do. The goal is not everybody is super comfortable that we're casually using, because many words in the world of mental illness people use them casually in other contexts. So with the word suicide we want to acknowledge that thoughts of suicide are common, much more common than we already know, and then acknowledge that when we can talk to somebody it will be very, very helpful.

Tim Reitsma 00:57

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01:47

When was the last time you had a conversation with your colleagues, friends or family about suicide? Years ago, someone close to me came to me and said they wanted to end their life. I wasn't prepared for that conversation and years later, that conversation still plays in my mind. This person is still with us and I'm so grateful for that. Hey, tim here.

02:10

Thanks for tuning in to another episode of the Invisible Condition Podcast, where we talk about advocacy and unusually normal things, the conditions, diseases and illnesses we live with. We will end the stigma of invisible conditions by powering voices, and today's voice is brought to us by Tara Adams. Tara, a mental health expert, brings insights into reducing stigma and highlighting the importance of open dialogue and discussions about suicide. She shares her approach to creating safer spaces to discuss how we talk sensitively about suicide with our children, our friends, our family, our colleagues, emphasizing the need for safe spaces for such conversations. She also highlights how common the thoughts of suicide are and how crucial the language we use plays in ending stigma. Our conversation will equip you with knowledge and strategies to support those around you and to apply what you learn to honor lived experiences.

03:05

Have a listen. Hey Tara, thanks for joining the Invisible Condition podcast. And, before we get into it, just for those who are listening, today is a topic we don't talk enough about. Suicide and the content that we will be sharing and discussing may be triggering to some. That we will be sharing and discussing may be triggering to some and I wanted to say that with all sincerity and with all seriousness, because this is a topic that is close to my heart and I know close to many of our hearts, and one that I'm just, can I say, excited. I'm eager to learn from you. So, tara, welcome to the show. Thank you, I'm very excited to the show.

Tara Adams 03:44

Thank you, I'm very excited to talk about my favorite topic.

Tim Reitsma 03:49

Yeah, and so even when we were just in the debrief or just briefing for this episode, is you talk about the S word all the time? Why don't you just give us a quick brief of what does that even mean? What does that look like?

Tara Adams 04:03

Well, it's interesting because I appreciate so much your content warning because it is a sensitive topic.

04:09

However, I live in a strange place where I talk about it all the time, so it's often a good reminder just for me to say that my comfort level is not the usual comfort level.

04:20

So, even before we talk about anything today, let's take a moment to acknowledge all the lived experience between the two of us you don't have to tell me, I don't have to tell you and all the folks who will hopefully be listening, so let's just take a moment. There's many of us who've lost people to suicide, many of us have had thoughts of suicide, and you're all in the right place at the right time. The other thing just to let your watchers, listeners, followers know is that we will maintain what's called psychological health and safety, which means we can talk about suicide, but keep it at a level that we hope is very accessible for anyone. We're not going to be talking about details or aspects that would be very traumatic. We're going to keep things at a really high level, because it's important that we talk about this and we want it to be very accessible for folks.

Tim Reitsma 05:18

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. And for those of you who are listening, in Canada and the US, there's a number If you find yourself needing support, the number to call is 988. So, again, that's 988 if you find yourself in that space of needing support. So, tara, I'm going to get that right. I've messed up your name. I'm going to get it right, tara. Why do we need to talk about this? If someone has made up their mind about dying or wants to die by suicide, why can't we let them rather than to try to explain it.

Tara Adams 06:02

I find so. Somebody very close to me in my personal life, while I was talking about the S word in my work life at the very same time, had very serious thoughts of suicide, Very. Because this person had access to some peer support, social support and, honestly, very good clinical support. That person, I can tell you now, is thriving, Is thriving. So it's interesting when you look at how common it is to have thoughts of suicide, how a person can have thoughts of suicide and it makes such perfect sense to them at that time.

06:50

Part of what we're trying to do is to acknowledge that makes sense for you right now. It doesn't make all those things. You can make such a difference. So when I tell you that this person who is very, very close to me, was very clear on their thoughts, their decision, their solution to their issues, the way that they saw the world, the way that their logic worked, and then when we all intervened appropriately, it wasn't easy but they've made it through and now I can tell you sincerely they are thriving. So suicide prevention is very, very important. Based on my professional and personal experience, yeah, thanks for sharing that story.

Tim Reitsma 07:53

I think that will resonate with others as well. And you know, I think a few things important that you said was you know you carefully intervened and were able to support this individual in getting the help that they now can look back and say they needed, and they needed that help in order to and I like what you said the suicide prevention, to prevent this death, and so it's so important. I mean, you devoted your work to this topic and I know you know this podcast is listened by many, not just people in the workplace, but even youth and people all over the world. And you teach, but you teach a course here in Canada, you know, building a safer a suicide safer workplace. If you could sum up that course, because I know people are going to go oh who's Tara and how do I take this course? You know, summarize this course and what should we do and what should we not do when it comes to suicide.

Tara Adams 09:00

Well, my goodness, we can definitely talk about a few high level things here today, but there's many, many levels and layers of training and there's, you know, one hour trainings, four hour, two days, two years, eight years, clinical. So there are a few things that I like to focus on. I also do focus on suicide prevention in the workplace context, so that is my specialty. By the way, we talk a lot about how to reduce stigma. We talk a lot about what is your role in workplace suicide prevention. This gets very confusing.

09:36

No matter your industry, no matter where you work, what am I supposed to do? Who would I tell? Who would I not tell? How? What's my obligation If I'm a people leader? What's my obligation? If I'm a people leader, what's my obligation? If I'm the employer? What's my obligation, what's the business case to do suicide prevention? How do we leverage our resources? So, lots and lots of great things, but a lot of it is about how to reduce stigma. What is your role in workplace suicide prevention, workplace mental health?

10:09

And honestly, tim, the most interesting thing I will say about that work is two. One is that clients will say to me oh, I'm not sure if we should do this, I don't know, could you take the word suicide out of the training title? I'm like no, that's the opposite. But then in the end, what happens is the people who attend the training number one word I'd use to describe it grateful. They're so grateful, oh, so helpful, so grateful. Thank you so much.

10:38

The second thing is that people in workplace suicide prevention I find they tend to arrive already thinking about how am I going to help other people and I said, ok, I'm here to help you first. Maybe at some point you're going to help someone else, maybe not, but the first thing we're going to do is focus on you. So I find that people are always thinking, oh, how can I help other people? How can I do this? How would I talk to somebody else with thoughts of suicide? Yeah, that's great, but first let's talk about what you would do if you had thoughts of suicide, because thoughts of suicide are so common. This is not something we talk about. So I love doing this work.

11:18

Clients are sometimes hesitant and then they typically get some pretty great feedback. The participants sometimes are a little bit hesitant and then they're very, very grateful. You and I were chatting. I often get text messages and emails the day after, the week after, the month after, where people say I really didn't think I would use what you were telling me so fast. I didn't know I would be putting it into action so quickly. Very common message I get.

Tim Reitsma 11:49

I'm grateful that you've devoted your life's work to this, because there is stigma, even when you said clients or prospective clients said, oh, can we drop that word suicide, and you know I think of of there's. There's a lot wrapped in that word suicide and, but we need to reduce the stigma.

12:13

We need to. You know, that's the whole purpose of invisible condition. What I'm trying to do is to end the stigma and so reduce the stigma. We got to start there how, I know that's a big question, but what do we need to do to end the stigma?

Tara Adams 12:28

Well, the stigma is partly the long, long history of the word suicide and for many decades it was considered a crime. It was considered selfish. There's so many negative connotations around the word, clearly, obviously. The second thing is it's very scary. It's really scary. So there's lots of reasons why people don't feel comfortable with the word.

12:51

I don't think my goal is that everybody feels comfortable with the word. I think my goal is everybody can say the word, could say out loud I have thoughts of suicide, I don't know what to do. The goal is not everybody's super comfortable that we're casually using, because many words in the world of mental illness people use them casually in other contexts. So with the word suicide we want to acknowledge that thoughts of suicide are common, much more common than we might know, and then acknowledge that when we can talk to somebody it will be very, very helpful.

13:34

The most common myth that folks have is that if, for example, that folks have is that if, for example, I do not have thoughts of suicide and Tim is so empathetic and thoughtful, comes to me and says, tara, I want to talk to you, do you have thoughts of suicide, then I would say, oh my gosh, I do not Wait a minute. Now I do Hold on, thanks, not and I'm being tiny bit facetious there but this idea that you would tell me to have thoughts of suicide just simply doesn't hold true. So folks are nervous. There's a long history. There's so much negative connotation, it's so scary. If I say the wrong thing, the worst things can happen. It's a really, really tricky conversation. It really is. So. Acknowledging that is probably part of the first step is to say this isn't going to be easy. It will be hard, yeah.

Tim Reitsma 14:27

I think about you know, in the context of the workplace, but even in the context of you know, I'm a father with two young children.

14:35

And you know I was talking with my wife, my partner, about this upcoming episode and hey, what do you want to learn? And she said how do we talk about this with our kids? And it's not just one of those topics I want to leave to the school system, it's how do we embrace this, not just from a here's what definition, but if you have, if we are a safe place for you Right?

Tara Adams 15:03

Well, let me say that I'm not a psychologist and my specialty isn't children. However, I'm a parent, and so I've had to talk to my own children about the topic of suicide many, many times. At this point, neither of them has expressed their own thoughts of suicide, but they're certainly curious. Kids have questions and you need to be that safe place for them to ask really, really awkward questions, and this would be one of them. I heard about somebody on the radio that killed themselves. Mom, what does that mean? Right? That question will come, especially if there was anything online or in the news about somebody their age. That's when they first came to me and said what is this all about? It's interesting. The same thing applies you.

15:49

Talking to your child about thoughts of suicide in a really age-appropriate way, right, will not give them the thought, but they need to understand mom or dad or parent, whatever that may look like, whatever gender, you are a safe place to come for awkward conversations and awkward questions, including the S word right? Well, that could be many S words, but anyway this particular S word. Think about creating safety, right. So if your child has questions around suicide, creating safety right. So if your child has questions around suicide without thoughts of suicide. Now you're creating a safe space. If they ever have thoughts of suicide, they know they can come to you. That's what's important, which is creating those little connections. If this was ever you, I want you to know you can come and talk to me. Thoughts of suicide are common. Sometimes people have a fleeting idea that they might want to hurt themselves. If that ever happens for you, I want you to come and tell me Okay, mom, okay dad, okay, parent, okay, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, neighbor, cousin, friend.

Tim Reitsma 16:54

It doesn't matter, right, it takes a village it does and, as you're talking, I think it's also relevant for our friends yes, you know I'm an adult, you know I have friends that are adults and but creating that safe place and that safety and that's, you know, going into maybe a deeper level of friendship rather than just talking about the weather sports yeah and whatever else. You know traffic and how to, you know change policy, whatever, but you know getting, getting personal.

Tara Adams 17:27

Yeah, my anecdotal evidence tells me through my own life and my my partner's life. Those times when you ask a more personal question, whatever the topic, the answer is me too, yeah, I've been wondering, or I want to talk about that, or I've been through that. It is so interesting how the first person to be brave enough to open up that kind of conversation, then everybody says, oh yeah, I know Right, because thoughts of suicide are very common. So let me, let me put it this way for you Every class I ever teach around this topic, every time so five years times 80, I don't know thousands, thousands of people I'll say I'm going to ask you two questions, but I don't want any words or context to your answer. It's simply yes or no. So, as I always say, hands up for yes, hands down for no. Who in our room, face-to-face or virtual, has been in a conversation that includes suicide in any way? In any way at all? Do you want to know what the average answer is, tim?

Tim Reitsma 18:37

Oh, I'm so curious.

Tara Adams 18:38

Two-thirds, two-thirds of the people in my group.

18:42

Now, occasionally there are certain groups. I've had One group was a hundred percent. I think the lowest I've ever had was 40%, but typically it's two thirds of the room. Next question is always who in this room has had suicide prevention training? The answer is usually me. So so I always say to people we have already been in the conversation with no idea what to do, and you did the best you could and I'm so glad you're here Now. If you had a couple of things to hold on to for next time, wouldn't that be good? Couple of things to hold on to for next time, wouldn't that be good? Yeah, you're right, and that's how we sort of ease into things. Right, there is a gap. We know these conversations are happening. We know that most people don't have the tools. Would you rather be in that conversation with the tools or without the tools? Because it's already happening.

Tim Reitsma 19:38

That's the statistics, that's the anecdotal, that's the responses from every class for five years, every time and start training, and we're not going to get to that in the next half an hour or 15 to 20 minutes.

Tara Adams 20:00

How about we do the high level, just like a bit of a?

Tim Reitsma 20:02

list. We won't do the six or explain them all.

Tara Adams 20:05

How about that?

Tim Reitsma 20:07

Let's, yeah, let's do it high level. I like that.

Tara Adams 20:10

So first thing is to just get more prepared. So, for instance, listening to your podcast so grateful, whoever is listening to this, I'm so grateful. Oh yeah, okay, thoughts of suicide are more common than I knew. Start there. Second is get a couple of phone numbers in your phone before you're in the conversations. That's the most difficult time to find what you need. It's very stressful. Then we learn who you would have to tell.

20:41

Now, if you're at home or at work, these are different things. If you don't have a lot of suicide prevention training, you do need to tell someone. So at this highest level, I say things like we've got two options, not three. One is emergency, two is urgent, that's it. So if you have a lot more training, if you're clinical, if you know how to do safety plans and interventions, et cetera, you have three, four, five, six options. If you have no training, you have two options emergency or urgent, that's it. I don't, I can't figure out all the and you're not supposed to Just just leave it at that. So you will either be calling 911, ems or somebody else. So I'm going to keep it super high level.

21:26

And then the next thing we learn is how to protect ourselves in the situations and in these conversations, because, regardless of how much training you might have, there's a cost to you and you have to acknowledge it. Now I will shout it from the rooftops that this cost is worth every second, every penny, every ounce of energy, but you also have to acknowledge it. So it's heavy and it's hard to walk into these conversations. It's scary and it can affect you physically, mentally, socially, spiritually. So then we learn what will I do after I'm in this kind of conversation? And I personally don't present that as an option. I present that as part of the process Prepare, respond, debrief, inform. All the steps have to be done Can skip any what was that again prepare?

22:22

respond.

22:23

Inform debrief okay, prepare I like that yeah, prepare, respond, inform, debrief, and then it's super cheesy but at the end of every class I'll give you, I'll give away the plot. I will say to folks let's add an e so that my acronym can spell pride, because I'm so proud of you for coming so cheesy, but they love it, I love it. And so folks pick all these beautiful words that start with the letter E, everyone empathy, exhale, empowered, and goes on and on. And I say, okay, as a group, let's pick one word that starts with E, because then we have prepare, respond, inform, debrief for everyone or whatever they've decided, and then they can own that acronym and off you go.

Tim Reitsma 23:09

I really appreciate that. You said there's only those two options. Right, you're going to call 911 or call emergency? One thing that I hadn't really wrapped my head around is the cost for you personally. So I have been in a conversation with someone. I won't give away the details or anything like that. Somebody came to me and said today's the day I'm going to die and I will never forget that. It it comes up at the most random times.

23:46

I triggered by things Um, this person is received the intervention they needed and uh is thriving. Um, from what I can tell, and we've lost touch, but, um, they, they received the support that they needed. And I reflect back and think I just went about my day. I don't think I've sought that help or sought that support, but it's a heavy topic. It's something that you will carry.

Tara Adams 24:18

You will carry and you are. You clearly are. Yeah Well, I'm so thankful that person is with us and I'm so thankful they were brave enough to tell you. First of all, that is a huge compliment. You need to reframe this. If that person trusted you in that moment, just think about you are the person. What a gift that they said that to you. What a gift. There are people that die by suicide with no warning signs, with no clues, with no hints. Every single person who may die by suicide is an absolute tragedy. Absolute when there's no warning signs, no gift, no invitation, no way that we can help a person. It's hard enough, but the fact that that person chose you to be so brave at that moment is just such a compliment to you. Tim, Think of it that way. Think of it that way.

Tim Reitsma 25:18

It's amazing that that person did that I'm very emotional right now, so if you're watching this, you'll see me tearing up. Yeah, thank you. Well, there's a reason. I've never thought of it like that.

Tara Adams 25:33

Thank you. There's such a reason People, if a person is in a space where suicide makes sense to them, which is their moment, their logic, their life if it makes sense to them sometimes they will work very, very hard to make sure no one finds out, in which case it is not your fault, my fault.

26:00

We're all doing the best we can. So, opening our minds to this idea that if somebody shares with you that, that is a gift ah, I know, I know, you told me, now I know. Okay, then now we have something to work with. This is so exciting. At that moment it's terrifying, but it's also so exciting because if they don't want you to know, you probably won't know. So we've got to change what we're doing. That person wanted you to know why. Why? Because that's a call for help. They want to talk about it, they want an intervention. Think of it. They didn't want you to know. If you didn't know, nobody's going to help, no one's going to intervene, right?

Tim Reitsma 26:48

you're absolutely right and and I think this this also ties in with the stigma of it's around suicide is oh they. This kind of leads into the direction I, I think we should, we should, it's really important to go is around the language. Oh they, oh, they attempted suicide and or they. You know, there's, there's often, at least in in experience, and I'm and I'll own this experience in in in my past. It was, oh, they attempted yet again, or they attempted, and it's diminishes the fact that they tried to to they. They were seeking to end their life. So that language is really, really important in order to end that stigma, isn't it?

Tara Adams 27:37

I love this topic and I often joke, but I would be proud to be called the word police. I love the words and this is why the words are free and the words we could change today. That's why I get so excited. I actually don't think that the words will solve everything, not even close. But if you are working in anything that has stigma attached to it and you're thinking how am I going to change the world, change the government, change the politics, change the humans, change everything, it's overwhelming. So what I want to say is the words are free and you can change the words today. Therefore, I love the words and they make a huge difference. So let's talk about words. The hardest word to change is the most important one. We are going to work so hard to remove the word committed.