The Power of Authentic Curiosity
Assume Definition - Making an a** out of you and me. OK, let’s be honest, it actually makes an ass out of the person doing the assuming!
Early on in my career, I made a few massive assumptions. I assumed people’s ethnicity. I assumed everyone celebrated every holiday. I assumed people were clear on their goals and what they were responsible for. I assumed constructive feedback was provided to team members by their previous manager.
In life, I make assumptions far too often. I assume my partner can read my mind. I mean, come on now. We’ve been married for almost 13 years and I assume that there should be some sort of psychic connection by now! I assume my children should know to do their chores without reminders but, well, that’s not the case! I assume my family and I are on the same page with how we’ve dealt with the past and how we should navigate the future.
I know firsthand that the power of assumption often leaves us disappointed, confused and even angry. “Why don’t you understand me” or “Why haven’t you done what I thought I asked you to do”.
The point is I assumed A LOT! And I still assume but consider myself a recovering assumer. Far from perfect and actively working on assuming less and being more curious.
When we lean into the power of assumption rather than curiosity, we make mistakes. I will never forget the first time I heard my wife and mother-in-law speaking Cantonese. I messed up, in a big way.
I hadn’t heard Cantonese being spoken before (small-town syndrome—yes it’s apparently a thing) and, to my naive ears, it sounded like they were having a blazing row. I was so disappointed in my wife for speaking so harshly and loudly with her mom.
Turns out, they were working on plans to introduce me to Dim Sum and in no way angry at each other!
You see, I assumed the context and tone of the language indicated my wife was upset with her mom. It was an assumption from which I learned some valuable lessons. I don’t know everything. I need to ask questions with an open mind. I should probably learn Cantonese!
Instead of jumping to conclusions, I should have got curious and asked questions—to try and see the situation from the other person’s perspective, not mine.
It took a while for me to understand that the power of authentic curiosity is truly a superpower to lean on.
Embracing authentic curiosity will build trust, allow you to make meaningful connections, and ultimately help you create happy, healthy relationships.
Curious?
Let me show you how.
The Power of Curiosity
When was the last time you googled something because you were interested to learn more about the topic? For me, I am really interested in the topic of invisible illnesses.
You research, you reach out to people, and you ask questions with the aim of gaining insights and knowledge to learn and grow. Whether it’s about cooking, what’s going on in the world, or what your favourite actor is up to. We all spend time getting curious about the things that interest us.
So, when was the last time you spent time with a friend, sibling, or team member getting to know them—their interests, their career aspirations, their family life?
Thinking of curiosity, I am proposing that there are two general types:
Authentic and self-serving.
One will build amazing relationships while the other may rip them apart.
Authentic Curiosity vs Self-Serving Curiosity
When it comes to curiosity, our motives count for a lot.
Authentic Curiosity
Defined as “Seeking from a place of honesty, empathy and genuine interest”.
It comes from a place of no held agenda. It is intentional and embraces the power of ‘We’”.
Example: You seek information on someone because you genuinely care. You also get to discover common ground and the differences between you and that someone. You remember the details, and you use the information to build a deeper relationship and a deeper connection.
Self-Serving Curiosity
Defined as “Seeking to propel oneself or fulfill one’s own agenda”.
To use others as a tool for our own gain. Curious from a place of learning and growing for your own self-interest. It can even be used as a way to cause harm to the person you are engaging with or someone else. It embraces the power of ‘Me’ (not to be confused with curiosity for learning something new).
Example: You seek out information on someone for your own benefit or for your own agenda. If you desire a promotion but someone stands in your way, you build a relationship in order to learn information to support your goals.
Think about this simple story for a minute. Perhaps you can relate!
Your phone rings or dings and it’s a family member. This family member is probing and prodding into a story they read online. It goes something like, “Have you heard about so and so? I read that they are in trouble. I know you're close with this person, anything you can share with me?”
I have been involved in many of these conversations and more often than not, I would call this self-serving. Being curious about your own interest and agenda. Not being curious because you seek to learn more in order to support someone.
Benefits of Authentic Curiosity
Here are a few benefits:
Trust
When you seek to learn more about the people in your life (or a new acquaintance)—personal and work, it creates trust. Use this as an opportunity to share about yourself (but don’t make it about you). Ask good questions starting with what and how. “How do you feel” or “What’s top of mind”. Or try this simple technique, “tell me more”. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, leaning into authentic curiosity.
Relationship Building
When we model authentic curiosity, I bet people will notice. Remember, we are all uniquely different and when we seek to learn and understand each other, we will have each other’s best interests at heart.
Building a network of Support
When we have trust and deeper relationships, we have a network of people who care about each other.
How to Lean into Authentic Curiosity
Authentic curiosity is the expedited way to create trust.
I had this mentor who said that he always sought to learn 10 things about the people he meets. Now, learning 10 things about someone right off the bat might sound intense, but I can assure you he did this in a natural non-interrogating way—just a conversation! Whether it was at a party or about people on his team. He leaned into his ability to ask great questions in order to learn and build relationships.
Ask Questions
It's really simple—give it a try! Here are a few questions inspired by Patrick Lencioni, author of “Five Dysfunctions of a Team.”
Where did you grow up? How many siblings do you have? What’s something you’ve always wanted to do or try but haven’t? What’s holding you back from that? For this last example question, I think it’s great, but I would add a caution to use your judgment before asking, to make sure the person you are engaging with won’t feel like they’re being psychoanalyzed.
Remember the details
If you forget how to say someone’s last name, that’s on you! If you forget important dates, or heck, what your friends aspirations and goals are, figure out a system to remember. It’s not an excuse to say “I always forget things”. Write it down, record yourself, and just do everything you can to remember. For example, one dad at our kids’ school took out his phone right after we introduced ourselves and said, “I’m going to write down your name on my phone so I don’t forget. That’s what I usually do when I meet people.” What a useful and simple strategy! I now do the same.
Pay attention
If there is a change of behavior from a friend, or a colleague, or your senses start tingling that something is off, pay attention to the signals and lean into your ability to ask great questions.
So What Now?
Pause and get curious. It can be your superpower!! Take a minute to write down three to four assumptions you’ve recently made. What happened? What caused the assumption? How did you react and how did others react?
Maybe it’s time to seek forgiveness, gain clarity or have a conversation rooted in curiosity.
I know I need to seek forgiveness as I made a few assumptions lately that have jeopardized deep relationships. We all make mistakes! YES! We have! But, let’s learn from those mistakes, get curious about them, and practice ways to do better.
