Building RRResilience
Original thoughts were first published on peoplemanagingpeople.com and have been republished with permission.
“You are too sick for surgery. You need to remove all stress from your life, start a new medication, and consume as many calories as you can. Then, in a few months, let’s see if we can perform the surgery that you need”.
It was the fall of 2022 and my Crohn’s was in full flare. Internal bleeding, constant blockages, and not I was not able to eat.
There was a lot of stress in life during this time. I was anxious, depressed, scared, and, well, very sick.
My doctor looked at me and my wife with deep compassion and empathy. He knew we were in a crisis state and he really wanted to help. But my body was too sick for surgery and was rejecting every medication I was put on.
When he said, “Remove all stress”, we thought, “That’s easier said than done”.
We’ll circle back to how my health story unfolded, but first here’s the official thesis of this article:
Building resilience requires the 3 R’s: Reflect, Reframe, and Reachout. Putting them into practice helps us to weather the storms in our lives and develop self-awareness.
What I can say is that now looking back, these 3 R’s carried me through that time of crisis and uncertainty.
The 3 Rs of Resilience
Simply put, resilience is the ability to work through a crisis and return to a pre-crisis state. That’s a simple definition, but what does resilience really mean in a world full of complexity?
Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioural flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands. American Psychological Association
When you think of being resilient, remember these three key actions (in no particular order): Reflect, Reframe, Reachout.
Reflect
Reflection means looking back at the situation without applying judgment. Identify what went right and what went wrong. How did you feel?
If you felt angry, sad, or frustrated, identify those feelings. What intentions or motivations did you have in the situation and how did they affect your response?
If you made mistakes in the situation, own them but don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself grace and a moment or two to see the truth in your situation.
Upon reflecting back on the past year, I had carried a lot of frustration, anger and sadness. But, without something else, hope, I am not sure how I would have gotten through that time.
In the spring of 2023, I was finally healthy enough for surgery. It was successful yet I was still feeling that I was in a crisis state, at the time. But now, when I look back at the past year, the lessons I learned about myself make me proud. The reflection of how my community and family supported us, makes me overwhelmed with joy.
I learned lessons of hope, encouragement, faith, prayer, and family. I reflect back to how the things I was holding on to (money, career, status) are all meaningless and I am OK with that!
You see, without reflecting back, how can we learn about ourselves, and what we’ve overcome and use this as a catalyst for our future?
I get it, it’s hard to reflect when you are in a crisis. But, I encourage you to stop what you are doing and pause. Look back on your journey and think about what you have overcome to get to where you are today. Give yourself the grace you need!
Reframe
An event has happened and you can’t change that. So what now?
Don’t judge yourself by the same destructive story you’ve been telling yourself over and over again in the past. Start by rewriting the script in your head into a better one that’s worthy of a five-star review according to your purpose and values.
I can’t change the fact that I live with Crohn’s Disease. It’s with me and I need to embrace it. It makes me my version of “normal”. I don’t have to like it but I have to live with it.
What happens when you let your narrative take control? Do you spiral deeper and deeper into the abis of endless negative self-talk?
“Unworthy, broken, not hireable”, and the list goes on. This is what was swirling around in my mind.
But, I was reminded of something. I can’t change the past and I can’t change the fact I live with this condition. But what I can do is reframe it into something powerful. This is what has fueled Invisible Condition and will continue to support its growth.
When we reframe our story, from a negative into something positive and acitonable, think of all the possibilities!
Reach-out
You are not alone! Friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers on LinkedIn and Instagram can listen and help. Having a supportive network of caring people carried me and my family over the past year.
As I was heading for surgery, my wife reached out to our children’s school to let them know what was happening. And what happened next still blows my mind.
Teachers and complete strangers started gifting us food, treats, and gift cards. There were cards, notes of support, and many phone calls.
We reached out to our friends, family and to our church. The outpouring of support was a testament to the fact that people care. People have big hearts full of compassion and generosity.
When our neighbours asked how they could support us, my wife said, “You can drive me to the hospital because I can’t really drive at night”. They didn’t hesitate! People loved watching our kids and loved driving Tania across the city.
Without reaching out, how can people support you?
Threats Against Resilience
It’s easy to see that it takes effort and courage to build resilience, but are you aware of the threats that could make each process even harder?
Comparison, compromise, and a desperate desire for control hold us back from building resilience. When you compare, you end up downgrading or dismissing your struggles just because someone else might seem to bounce back so much easier.
If you compromise, you give in and make no move to change your perspective and future.
By grasping for control, you could lose sight of your purpose and values.
The end result of comparing, compromising, and grasping for control is that the problems remain unresolved, and the negative narrative you write in your mind thickens by another chapter.
Growth Through Resilience
Imagine your life as a tree. Your roots are your purpose, values and beliefs—those things are what ground you and make up your identity.
As your tree grows, you experience events. And, unless you were just born this morning, you know that life experiences can be difficult and even painful. Crises and challenges in life are like the storms, drought, and pollution that a tree must weather in order to survive and thrive.
In order to weather the storm, your tree needs to be resilient and using the three R’s can help you to build that resilience.
From seasons of overcoming challenges in healthy ways, you come to develop self-awareness and gain a deeper understanding of who you really are.
With that, your tree will bear healthy fruit in the form of stronger relationships, positive impacts, and a greater sense of peace—no matter what comes your way.
Now that you understand the 3 R’s of being resilient and how they’ve impacted my life, I hope you can see that it’s worth it to push yourself to Reflect, Reframe and Reach-out in the face of tough situations.
It can be scary or uncomfortable, but it also nourishes you to be a stronger, healthier human being.
