You Look Tired. Are you sure you are Sick?
You look tired, you should get more sleep.
You look skinny, you should eat more and work out.
You look pale, you should get more sun.
You don’t look sick, are you sure you need surgery?
You look ______, you should______.
When we look at people, we make quick, often subconscious assessments. I’d be willing to bet you do!
Think back to a recent interaction with a friend, colleague, barista, smelly person next to you on transit, or family member where you thought they didn’t look so great. Sure, maybe they were hungover or spent way too much time the night before online. But, did you jump to a conclusion or make an assumption?
What if they look like crap because they are living with something that you simply cannot see.
The pain in their eyes may be caused by past trauma, mental illness, Crohn’s Disease, ADHD, or something else. We don’t know and that’s ok. What’s not ok is making an assumption and passing judgment.
Storytime
I was sitting at my desk minding my own business and when I got up to grab something, a colleague looked at me and said “You are so skinny, you should work out”. That cut me deep! Did you know that I have two wardrobes? One for when I am in a Crohn's flare and dropping weight and one when I am packing on the pounds.
I live with Crohn’s Disease and Arthritis and for the past few years, it has been running wild, like an out-of-control wildfire. I was on a white bread and yogurt diet. I couldn’t eat much because my guts would be triggered and things would get messy. Yes, messy and that would be embarrassing.
I was skinny and I had no choice but to be skinny. Instead of getting embarrassed (I am too old and vocal for that), I used the opportunity to educate my colleague (politely) on why I was skinny and why I don’t work out. I was crazy anemic and could fall asleep on command. I worked and slept. That was it. The thought of exercise was exhausting! Regular iron infusions and blood transfusions would help a bit but not to the point of putting on weight.
He apologized for making an assumption about how I looked. And conversations going forward changed to “how are you feeling” vs “You look like crap”.
The Numbers
Did you know more than 20% of the Canadian population over the age of 15 identify as having a disability? Yes this isn’t breaking out invisible disabilities but if the number is like what they found in the US, that means A LOT of us live with a disability that isn’t visible to the world.
In the US study, 61 million adults identify as having a disability of some kind, and about 10% of those are invisible disabilities.
Take a look around (physically and figuratively). There are people around us who are living with some sort of invisible condition right now. Chances are someone in your friend group or team at work is living with some sort of invisible condition and you have no clue!
Move from Silence to Having a Voice
My mom lives with Graves Disease. A freaking scary name for a disease if you ask me! Maybe they should have called it “messed up thyroid disease” but I digress.
She recently sent her children a great article about the disease - what it is, the symptoms, and how she manages the illness. Symptoms include being tired, swollen limbs, not able to lose weight, depression, and the list goes on. Looking at my mom you’d think she looks great but she is fighting most days.
If you are living with an invisible disease, a simple thing as an educational post, forwarding information to your friends and family, or engaging in a thoughtful conversation about what we live with is a place to start.
But there are many reasons why people, including me, don't share what we live with.
Lack of empathy
Fear
Ignorance
Stupidness
Shame
These are only a few reasons we don’t share and I am sure, if you live with an invisible condition you can add to the list. The point is, there are many reasons we don’t share.
BUT. I am here to encourage you to share. Raise your voice. Stand up to ignorance and lack of empathy. If you are like me, I am not seeking sympathy. I don’t need that! What I need is for people to hear this: Assume less and get curious (check out my other article on curiosity).
Be brave! Share your story. You control how much detail you share. I could go into wild and wonderful details about living with Crohn’s but I’ll spare you the messy details. Except for this one. I’ll share this one as I thought I was pretty cool at the time. I once had a temporary home office set up in the washroom. It’s true! And no, I never messed up the video and audio on virtual meetings. But if I did, that would have made for a great story!
The next time…
The next time someone gives you unsolicited advice on your appearance, thank them for taking notice and use the opportunity to share and educate. The only way we can bring visibility to our invisible conditions is to speak up.
And if you are in the camp of giving unsolicited advice, please take a pause and get curious. But only get curious if you give a damn. If you don’t, move on buddy! But if you care, ask things like, “Hey, I’ve noticed you aren’t eating much these days, you ok?” Or “Hey I’ve noticed you limping, anything I can support you with?”
I’ll even give you a step-by-step plan (OK ChatGPT helped with this one) on how to check your assumptions when it comes to people living with invisible diseases:
Educate yourself: Learn about the various types of invisible diseases, their symptoms, and how they can impact a person's life. This will help to reduce the stigma associated with these conditions and increase your understanding of the challenges faced by those who suffer from them.
Avoid jumping to conclusions: Just because someone does not look sick does not mean that they are not suffering. Try not to make assumptions about someone's health based on their appearance or actions.
Ask questions: If you are unsure about something, ask questions. This shows that you are interested in understanding the other person's experience and can help to foster a more empathetic and respectful relationship.
Listen actively: When someone shares their experiences with you, listen actively and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or dismissively responding to their experiences.
Be supportive: Offer support to those who are struggling with invisible diseases. This can be in the form of simple gestures like lending a listening ear or offering help with tasks that may be difficult for the person to manage.
Lead by example: Show others how to treat people with invisible diseases with empathy and respect by treating others with kindness and compassion.
In short, stop making assumptions. Let’s get educated. Be open-minded. Have compassion.
It’s not that hard. Now you try!
Share your journey living with an invisible condition with a friend, a colleague, or a random stranger (maybe not the last one). If we all have a voice and don’t care what others think, we will all be a catalyst for bringing visibility to our invisible conditions.
