Ep: 008 - How self-compassion builds empathy - Miranda Lee
Miranda Lee - Bio
Miranda Lee, MSc, teaches practical, secular meditation techniques to busy people so that they can find that much-needed pause in their lives.
After 12 years in top advertising agencies, Miranda is now a trainer in science-based mindfulness for Mastermind, a 500-hour certified yoga teacher, a certified Mindful Schools meditation educator, and the author of The 5-Minute Meditation Journal.
While Miranda has over 20 years of mindfulness experience and has studied with some of the world's great teachers, she considers her two young sons to be her greatest "Zen Masters.”
Miranda currently runs her own wellness coaching business, “Find That Pause,” in New Jersey, and enjoys collaborating with organizations to bring science-based mindfulness to global audiences.
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Self-Compassion Defined: “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives”. - self-compassion.org
Episode Highlights
All humans suffer. This is my moment of suffering, but it's not, it's not, I'm not alone in that. I'm not isolated in that. And then really importantly, that it's also been mindful about that mindful about the experience of pain and suffering. Mindfulness is looking at what is here right now in the present moment. So we're not catastrophizing. We're not saying, Oh, this moment of suffering, you know, it's like the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. And we're not saying, you know, that, and we're taking a moment to pause and think about it and bring it into, you know, what it is actually, we're not over-identifying with it. My life is not over because of this thing is happening. There are good and there are bad always in our life. So that's the mindful approach.
I think to separate empathy from compassion and self-compassion as well. So I'll start with empathy. Empathy is really putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So I understand what you're going through. I've been there kind of feeling. We're sort of set up as human beings to do that. We have a need for connection. Compassion is slightly different. There's an element of wanting to help there that we don't have with empathy. And it's not necessarily I'm putting myself in your shoes. It's more, I understand that you are a human, all humans suffer and I want to do something to help. And I'm not saying it has to be a huge thing to help, it could even be just sending compassionate thoughts to that person. The word compassion means to suffer with, but it doesn't mean to step into someone else's shoes. So those are two differences. And we'll, I think as the conversation comes on, we'll see why those are important differences.
Self-compassion is self-kindness rather than judgment. So that inner critic voice that can come out, oh, you're so, you know, why are you doing this? You're failing, you know, all of those things that we all have, we all have an inner critic voice. But instead trying to change that into a more compassionate voice. This is a moment of suffering. This is a moment of difficulty for you. That idea of common humanity rather than isolation.
The mindfulness component allows us to just take a bit of a pause and potentially have some more communication with that person who has the invisible condition to find out a little bit more about them. Right? Empathy, you're more likely to jump in. Oh, I recognize their suffering. I must do something about it. I don't like that suffering, I suffered too, I want to cure it, I want to do something about it. But that's not always the best thing, right? Oftentimes, taking a moment to pause, ah, I recognize, I'm compassionate, I recognize that this is a moment of suffering for this person, but let me actually ask them what action they require. Let me have a, like a mindful communication with them and listen. I think that's another thing.
You invite someone in for a conversation and you listen without judgment. That's mindful communication. Self-compassionate communication.
I've become much more resilient because you own your humanity.
And for me, oftentimes that's just doing this, just taking that moment to pause, put my hand on my heart, maybe love myself a bit. Maybe it's a glass of water. Maybe it's a walk. Maybe it's a deep breath. And then you can open your eyes and get on with your day. But if you sprinkle those through your day, you are building self-compassion practice. And the lovely thing about building self-compassion practice is it. You build it within you, you build your own resilience within you, but it filters out from you out to other people. And I read some research that said it filters out five degrees from the person who's practicing it. So as I'm practicing self compassion to myself, I'm more likely to be compassionate to someone else. And then in turn, I'm more likely to feel compassionate to someone else. And it goes up five degrees from that way. So if you want to turn a workplace, want it to be more compassionate, it starts with you.
Transcript
Tim Reitsma
Miranda, it is a pleasure to finally connect with you on podcast. We met through your sister, Rosanna.
Miranda Lee
We did, yes.
Tim Reitsma
Yeah. And Rosanna and I go back, um, back a little, a couple of years, uh, when I was at the digital publication, Rosanna reached out because I wrote an article and she, um, just gave me a lot of praise, which I was not feeling confident about my writing and she really helped me, uh, really step into that side of, of myself and we've now developed a great friendship and she's also on the invisible conditioning podcast. But. It's about you today. And, but I'm so thankful for Rosanna and just her, her dedication and commitment and passion around invisible conditions. And you are as well. So welcome to the show.
Miranda Lee
Thank you so much, Tim. It's a pleasure to be here.
Tim Reitsma
Yeah. And so, um, I've got your bio, but I would love for you to tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, what's, um, you know, what makes you get up every morning and do what you do.
Miranda Lee
Oh, gosh, lots of different reasons. So I'm a meditation facilitator, mindfulness facilitator and a yoga therapist. I have been practicing both since my teens. My mother used to take me to yoga meditation classes and I kind of took a deep dive into it in my early 20s when I was going through some challenging times on my masters.
I was studying in Ireland at the time, with my sister actually, and struggling with my mental health with stress and anxiety, and turned back again to yoga and meditation to help me through this challenging time. And it's sort of been there in my life ever since. It's my companion. So it's what I think about, you know, through my day.
It's what I love to teach others and it's what brought me to teaching my community these skills. So I thought I was, yeah, okay. So that's probably enough for now, but I can go on for a bit more as well.
Tim Reitsma
Yeah. And I think it's, it's fascinating, you know, when we're going through, um, different challenges in life and there's things that even, like you said, from your childhood, you just kind of maybe, maybe you've put aside or forgotten and then brought back and is that, is that correct? And then that has now kind of formed your, the work that you do.
Miranda Lee
I guess so I'll well I'll tell you a little story. Which is probably why I started my business because I run a wellness business in New Jersey teaching mindfulness and also yoga therapy. So I had this long term practice of yoga and meditation like I said, from the time I did my masters in my early 20s onwards. So when I had my children, I thought I was gonna be the Zen mom, you know, very cool, very grounded, very earthy. I'd got everything sorted out. I'd worked in advertising for a long time and I'd use those tools to help me with the stress of that job. So I was like, I got this. And then I had two little boys. I felt totally overwhelmed, totally stressed out. We moved to the suburbs, I didn't know anyone and that kind of feeling of overwhelm and stress and anxiety came back full on.
And I wasn't the parent that I wanted to be. I wanted to be a happier, more content parent, less overwhelmed. And there was this one-ah-ha moment, I'll tell you about it, because I think it explains it in a nutshell. So we have very harsh winters sometimes in New Jersey, very cold, snowy, and it was one of those mornings. And I was needing to drop off my kids at daycare to come back and start work.
Um, they didn't want to go out. It was really cold. So I was wrangling them into their like snow suits, which if you've ever tried to do that with a little toddler, it's like trying to dress a monkey. Um, and then I had a baby as well. Um, then, and I got them somehow. I got them outside and given them something to eat and put them in their car seats and strap them in. And I just put, I just remember this moment. I just pushed the. You know, the door to close it. It was just about to drive into the driver's seat. And I just thought, this moment of tremendous overwhelm. I just thought, I just feel like I've done a whole day's work. I've just got my kids into the car. I just don't know how I'm going to do this. Like, literally, I just was like, I don't know how to do this. And because I had this long term practice of yoga and meditation, it had kind of trickled out because of the kids, but it was still there in me because I'd been doing it so long. I think I just automatically took a few deep breaths. Whew, yeah, still doing it now. And I walked around my car because I knew that I needed to take a pause. And I guess I did sort of a mindful walk in retrospect because I was looking, I was coming into the present moment and I was looking around me at like, you know, the sunshine shining on the snow and that kind of thing.
And by the time I got back to the driver's door to start driving away, I felt better. I mean, I didn't feel completely like chilled out, but I felt better enough that I did that every single time I took my kids to daycare and picked them up from then on. And I started having this like daily moment, mindful moment in my life. And it dramatically helped my feelings of overwhelm and stress.
And so I started teaching it to other people, like just daily doses of pausing mindfulness, specifically parents in my community. And then I started teaching some of the kids and the teens because I saw this sense of stress and anxiety was so much part of their life as well. And it sort of has snowballed out from there. And now I teach corporate classes to all sorts of different organizations, also a lot of healthcare, I work in a hospital with healthcare workers and people with recovery from cancer and other healthcare, you know, health conditions. So yeah, so I guess you're right. This like, this like knowing that there are tools out there to soothe myself, soothe my nervous system developed from teen years, it's kind of gone through my life and it's now what I like to teach other people. Yeah.
Tim Reitsma
Well, thanks for sharing and sharing so vulnerably because, you know, the topic today, you know, when we were going back and forth and when we first met, we were talking, we went off for almost an hour, over an hour about self-compassion and how that builds empathy for others. And I think when it comes to people with invisible conditions and workplaces who are accommodating people with an illness or disease, we need to talk about that self-compassion, we also need to talk about how, how does that build empathy? And I always, I just had it in my mind well, there's self-compassion and then there's empathy. And when we were talking, when we first met, it was, well, self-compassion builds empathy. And so I think that's your story segues nicely into that because that moment of taking that deep breath, you know, being aware of your surroundings for me, for me.
You know, I'll send up a little prayer and be like, Hey, I need to be grounded here. And, and then continue on with my day or try to wrangle my two kids, you know, putting the snow suit on a, on a kid. I live in Vancouver, so it's more like rain, raincoat and rain pants, but still I get that picture. Um, so when we talk about self-compassion or compassion, um, before we get into that, why don't we define it? What does it mean?
Miranda Lee
Sure, absolutely. And I think that's a really good question. And I think to separate empathy from compassion and self-compassion as well. So I'll start with empathy. Empathy is really putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So I understand what you're going through. I've been there kind of feeling. We're sort of set up as human beings to do that. We have a need for connection. Compassion is slightly different. There's a element of wanting to help there that we don't have with empathy. And it's not necessarily I'm putting myself in your shoes. It's more, I understand that you are a human, all humans suffer and I want to do something to help. And I'm not saying it has to be a huge thing to help, it could even be just sending compassionate thoughts to that person. The word compassion means to suffer with, but it doesn't mean to step into someone else's shoes. So those are two differences. And we'll, I think as the conversation comes on, we'll see why those are important differences. And then self-compassion is, and I'm gonna use the definition from this wonderful teacher called Kristin Neff. She has set up a center of self-compassion. It's run out of Austin, Texas. And she's a long-term researcher into compassion, self-compassion.
Self-compassion is self-kindness rather than judgment. So that inner critic voice that can come out, oh, you're so, you know, why are you doing this? You're failing, you know, all of those things that we all have, we all have an inner critic voice. But instead trying to change that into a more compassionate voice. This is a moment of suffering. This is a moment of difficulty for you. That idea of common humanity rather than isolation.
All humans suffer. This is my moment of suffering, but it's not, it's not, I'm not alone in that. I'm not isolated in that. And then really importantly, that it's also been mindful about that mindful about this experience of pain and suffering. mindfulness is looking at what is here right now in the present moment. So we're not catastrophizing. We're not saying, Oh, this moment of suffering, you know, it's like the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. And we're not saying, you know, that, and we're taking a moment to pause and think about it and bring it into, you know, what it is actually, we're not over identifying with it. My life is not over because of this thing is happening. There are good and there are bad always in our life. So and that's the mindful approach.
Tim Reitsma
I think for that definition, that explanation, I like that empathy, putting yourself in somebody else's shoes. And I think of from an invisible condition perspective, when somebody is expressing empathy, um, sometimes it's hard to relate because I live with Crohn's and somebody says, is trying, is being empathetic and sometimes my mind goes, but you don't know what I'm experiencing. You don't know that fear that's, um, that.
I continue to live with because of this illness that I have. Um, but I like that idea of compassion. You want to help. How can I support you? What do you need? Um, I think it also comes to a place of people wanting to know more. And that's really one of the points of this whole project I'm on is invisible condition is, is to educate and help people not only tell stories, not like yourself, help educate, but.
But to drive a deeper understanding of what people with an invisible condition live with, and then how can we take that and transform our societies, our workplaces and our schools. And so I like that. And then that idea of that self-compassion, right? This is, this is, this is a moment. This suffering will pass and it might not pass in my, the way I want it to pass. Um, because I can't control it.
So how to live with this and live in that present. Is that, am I getting that correct?
Miranda Lee
Absolutely. And I think, you know, I think self-compassion, mindful self compassion is really the understanding that everything changes. It's like a quote, there's a meditation teacher I love called Pema Chodron. She says, you are the sky, everything else is the weather. So you know, all suffering, all difficulty, all challenge, all joy, all contentment, they're all passing through us. But we're deeper than that. We're at a level deeper than that and we can hold that space for those, you know clouds of whatever is passing through us.
Tim Reitsma
And, and so even on, on our topic, right. Building that self-compassion or that self-compassion helps build empathy for others. So in the context of let's say our workplaces, where do we start? We talk a lot about empathy. Leaders need to be empathetic. Leaders need to, um, need to lead through that lens. And, but how do we, how do we just back that up and, and start with that?
That piece of self-compassion. I know we were talking a little bit about this before we hit record and then we paused it because pause the conversation because, well, we've got to catch this. So I'm, I just kind of want to pick that up because I'm really intrigued about specifically in the workplace, because I think that could translate into schools and households and then, you know, into society.
Miranda Lee
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm gonna just backtrack a little bit and talk a little bit again about the differences between empathy and compassion and self-compassion because I think we need to look at that because I actually don't know if empathetic leadership is what we need. I think what we need is compassionate leadership and I'll explain why. So, you know.
Tim Reitsma
Sure.
Miranda Lee
The thing about empathy, jumping into someone else's shoes is, as you just beautifully put, you know, people don't know what someone else is experiencing, right? Even if I had Crohn's disease, my experience of Crohn's disease might be different to yours, right? So that's the first thing. The second thing is, you know, we're more likely to be able to jump into other people's shoes when we think we know what it feels like. So if I did have Crohn's disease, I'd be like, I'll be more empathetic.
Tim Reitsma
Mm-hmm.
Miranda Lee
potentially to you, Tim, rather than to someone else who had some other invisible condition like ADHD. So it tunes into those innate biases that we all have. Whereas compassion, where we're not trying to jump into someone else's shoes, but we have that understanding of common humanity, I suffer, they suffer too, allows a little bit more space, especially if we bring in that idea of mindful self-compassion.
We work on ourselves to be more compassionate. The mindfulness component allows us to just take a bit of a pause and potentially have some more communication with that person who has the invisible condition to find out a little bit more about them. Right? Empathy, you're more likely to jump in. Oh, I recognize their suffering. I must do something about it. I don't like that suffering, I suffered too, I want to cure it, I want to do something about it. But that's not always the best thing, right? Oftentimes, taking a moment to pause, ah, I recognize, I'm compassionate, I recognize that this is a moment of suffering for this person, but let me actually ask them what action they require. Let me have a, like a mindful communication with them and listen. I think that's another thing.
Tim Reitsma
I love that.
Miranda Lee
Compassion, self-compassion teaches you to listen. Mindfulness teaches you to listen. So action should be taken, but it should be taken after a dialogue, after a pause, after some mindful thinking around what's going on.
Tim Reitsma
Oh, I can, I can tell so many stories of people who, you know, at no fault of their own, um, they're genuinely great people who have given me so many solutions. Um, my wife lives with a number of invisible conditions and she feels the same thing. Um, instead of that mindful dialogue, Hey,
Miranda Lee
Mmm.
Tim Reitsma
I see that, you know, something's going on. Um, tell me about it. You know, and, and see even just how you ask that, ask that is very different than what's going on. Hey, I see that something is different in you today. What? Tell me, tell me what's going on. Invite somebody into a conversation rather than, cause shuts down that conversation.
And, you know, when we approach it with that, um, putting yourself in somebody's shoes, it's like, Oh, well, I read about this diet that will help cure X, Y, or Z. Or, you know, if you do, you know, handstands, it might do this. I'm just making that up, but maybe I'm sure there's something out there, but there's you name it. There's cures for absolutely everything that has no cure. And so, and we're all different. Like you said, if you have Crohn's, I have Crohn's, I might be able to drink six cups of coffee a day and be fine. You might take one sip and not be fine.
And so we're so different. And I love that, that compassion that want to help, but you need to invite someone into a conversation, not push somebody into a conversation, but invite somebody in.
Miranda Lee
Absolutely. And I think also that element of non-judgment. You recognize this is a moment of difficulty or challenge. You invite someone in for a conversation and you listen without judgment. That's mindful communication. Self-compassionate communication. So it's yeah, and I just thinking actually, I remember when I was I was involved in planning a event at work, and it was going to be in a bar. It was meant to be a mixer for, you know, to celebrate something that we had achieved. And a member of my team came to me and said, I'm in, you know, I'm
I'm in recovery, I'm sober. This is gonna be a very triggering place for me. And I remember thinking, so an empathetic response, because I have other members in my, you know, other people in my life who suffer from addiction. So I could have immediately have been putting myself in that person's shoes and it could have triggered stuff in me, but a more compassionate response would be, okay.
So they're telling me this is a moment of difficulty for them. Let's just pause and think about how we can change this up. That, you know, this is supposed to be a place where we can all mix, where we can all enjoy, where we can all celebrate. This is not going to be the situation for this person. Can we move the venue? Can it be somewhere else that won't be as difficult or challenging? It's, it's, it's little and not so little decisions like that, which I think is where it can work in the workplace. Does that?
Tim Reitsma
Absolutely. I think of, I think of that. I've heard stories of that, um, that same scenario. Um, and I think also about accommodation. And so, you know, if you're planning a big company outing and you're going to go on a hike, but somebody has arthritis in their knees or joints and is like, well, I guess I can't go, does that mean you change the hike or does that mean you, there's maybe something, another element that you can and so actually that brings up a story, my nephew who lives with type one diabetes, 14 years old, this kid is like six foot six, size 14, he's huge, big, big kid, um, lives in a small Northern British Columbia town and they were going to go for, um, his teacher was organizing a hike, an overnight hike in the back country, no cell service off the grid. And my nephew who's, you know, 14 year old brain was all excited. Yeah, we're going to go. We're going to have fun. And he almost, my sister said he forgot that he lives with diabetes because that's his normal. But when my sister heard this, she put on, she said her, she became mama bear and talked with the teacher and said, well, what happens because there's no cell service, his pump doesn't communicate with his phone who's going to check his sugars, you know, every couple hours throughout the night.
If he goes low or goes high, how are you going to get them off the mountain? What is the plan? And, um, and so there was a lack of that, even that accommodation. And so the teacher at first, up to my understanding, um, there was a little bit of, well, we got this, it should be fine. But my sister had to then not just.
Had to take it out of that space of empathy and put on that hat of compassion. It's like, well, no, like we need to, this is what needs to happen. I know you want to help, but because the situation is so dangerous for him, he just can't go. And I understand a few days later, the teacher, um, and my sister had a conversation and he was, he was upset with himself because he did not.
Tim Reitsma
Uh, approach it with that compassion. He was trying to my understanding. I only know one side of the story was trying to solve that problem, but then came back and said, I just, I messed up, please forgive me. And so when I think of that, just in our school systems, I think about that in our workplaces. I know a lady who lives with colitis in the bathroom a lot, um, very public job. There's security cameras.
Miranda Lee
No, no.
Tim Reitsma
Her managers were like, why are you going to the washroom all the time? We can see you on the security camera going to the washroom all the time. So jumping to that place of what's going on versus, Hey, tell me what's, what's going on and having that conversation. I just triggered, I mean, I can't go on for probably hours, just those little stories where the words we use matters so much and how they're backed up with action matters so much. And so I love that.
Miranda Lee
Mm.
Tim Reitsma
place where you're creating that dialogue. Take a pause. I don't know all the answers. If somebody on my team comes to me with, with something, I don't know the answer. Take a pause, start that dialogue. So important.
Miranda Lee
Yeah, no, absolutely. You know, to be able to take a pause and just ask someone. You don't have to jump in. You don't have to know.
You know, and I don't think and also just to be able to detach yourself a little bit from your own triggers, your own emotions, that you can take a moment to make better decisions. There's this idea in mindfulness that the stimulus And the response, you can have a little bit of a pause. So the stimulus is you seeing someone going to the bathroom a lot on the camera immediately without mindfulness the immediate reaction is call them in judge but with a little bit more mindfulness a little bit more self-compassion practice there's a little gap there's a there's a gap between that and that allows that kind of communication that allows that compassion to come through and ultimately what we find what all the research shows is that with compassionate leadership, you're going to have happier teams, more productive teams. You can see how this would work well in the workplace. I mean, less reactive people, more, you know, more calm, more. Yeah, it's obvious that I think that this is a useful skill set for pretty much everyone, right? And I also think what's really interesting is this can be learnt.
You're not born compassionate or not compassionate. You can be taught these skills. They are a practice. So it's something that you need to want to learn. But I think when you start to practice for yourself and you see the benefits, you want to learn to do it more.
Tim Reitsma
There's a word that comes up in my mind and putting on that, I guess, the hat of someone who lives with an invisible condition and I'm being very general here. But a word that keeps coming up is fear. And when I started putting out just a couple posts on LinkedIn and Instagram, just to put my journey with Crohn's and my career and how that had, had massively shifted. I can't even count the amount of people who reached out to me or my wife and said, I don't have the courage that you guys have, I'm fearful I'm fear of, of making others uncomfortable because, you know, for me, I'm talking about bowel stuff. Um, it's just is what it is. We all have it and, but we don't like to talk about it. Um, there's fear of repercussion in the workplace. There's fear of losing friends. There's so much fear wrapped around this. And I, we, we definitely need to, to hit on that empathetic or it's sort of that compassionate leader. On the other side is any ideas. And I think you will have some insight into that idea of fear and what it does to us, but also how do we, you know, what are your thoughts on how to overcome that fear and start sharing?
Miranda Lee
Absolutely. And a great question. And I think, you know, this goes back to that sense of mindful dialogue and safety. I don't know if it's if it's someone suffering from an invisible condition who feels like that job is going to be Threatened by speaking up. That's not a safe environment, right. Especially if you know you mentioned your, your friend, your colleague who was judged by going to the bathroom. That's not a safe place for her to speak up. It's up to the leaders of the, or the managers, to create that sense of safety, knowing that when they do that, they will have more productive workers. That compassionate leadership needs to be, needs to be built into the organization. And then it's up to those leaders to create the safe space to allow that mindful dialogue to take to happen.
Tim Reitsma
Mm-hmm.
Miranda Lee
And you can do it. A lot of organizations, in fact, LinkedIn, I was reading about the man who started LinkedIn. His personal focus is on bringing more compassion into his leadership. And there's a lot more lot more people trying to do this because they see the benefits. The other thing I would just touch on, and this reminds me of that, you know, you can, you build resilience for yourself by being self-compassionate. I mean, this is not just a one way street. You're, you're not just giving out to others. You are a much, you're transformed as a leader if you're self-compassionate because you can apply it to yourself. And it goes back to that sense of common humanity. Everybody suffers.
Tim Reitsma
Mm-hmm.
Miranda Lee
everybody right so the leader or the manager is going to be going through staff too they can build up their own resilience through practicing self compassion and as they do that they can then apply it to others
Tim Reitsma
Yeah, I love that you touched on resilience and I wrote an article a while ago, I actually spoke at one of our big universities here in Vancouver on this topic and my wife and I were just talking about, we were thinking about resilience and that was a topic I was given to speak on. And one of the definitions that we kind of came up with or based on all the research kind of bounce back to a pre-crisis state. And so we came up with the three Rs. I'll link it in the bio or in the show notes. I mean, and, and reflect, reframe and reach out. It's that reflecting that when you have even that compassion and self-compassion, it's reflecting doesn't mean like, um woes me, what's going on, but, you know, reflect on that whole, that holistic thing, whether it's, you're going through a flare-up or whether you're going through some, um, something with your partner or your kids and then reframe it. Reframe it in a sense that, okay, this event has happened. I can't control this. It's going on. So what, what can I take out of this? What am I learning about myself?
How did I show up and did I like how I showed up? And reaching out, reaching out to people. I think it's, I think it's something, been listening to a few podcasts on loneliness and, um, listen to a great, uh, a great sermon, um, on this and, and how we are like created the society of everything is one way communication. Like, Oh, I've got a thousand Instagram friends, but they're not friends.
I just see with their life. So how do you reach out and actually create meaningful conversations with people and aside from just talk about the weather, right? I think we all have those friends. And again, I'm generalizing it's you go, you know, if there's like five levels to that friendship conversation, you're only at like level one or two, right? You talk about the weather, you talk about your kids and maybe you talk about your job, but that's it. You don't go any deeper than that. And I think.
Tim Reitsma
when we talk about that resilience is, to me, it's a combination of all of that, which I think ties into compassion and building that self-compassion.
Miranda Lee
Yes, I know that from my personal practice of self-compassion, I've become much more resilient because you own your humanity, you know, the vulnerabilities, the face that you don't want to show, which everybody has. And you learn to soothe yourself through those moments. And as you soothe yourself through those moments, so you can understand other people's moments of suffering better. Would it be a good opportunity just to take a moment to practice? A practice of self compassion? Would that be? Yeah, I mean, these are two, I was going to teach just two practices which I use in my life and which I teach and have had, you know, good feedback from my students. So, and they take 30 seconds. And so again, just going back to my story about bringing in just moments of pause or moments of breath into your daily life. These are micro moments of compassion.
So just inviting you to put your feet on the ground. That's just important because it grounds us and connects us to the earth. So we're not just so up in our head. I like to put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly. That's just the way I do this. You don't need to. I like to close my eyes, but again, you don't need to. And just take three breaths and notice yourself settling into your body and feeling yourself breathing.
Miranda Lee
And this is what I say to myself when I'm going through a moment that's challenging and it really can be any moment. You don't have to save it for a really difficult moment. Just you're having a difficult conversation with your child, they don't want to do something you want them to do or whatever it is. Just say to yourself, this is a moment of suffering. You can use another word. This is a moment of difficulty, challenge, frustration, whatever it is. All humans suffer. Again, change the words. And this is my time.
What do I need right now?
And for me, oftentimes that's just doing this, just taking that moment to pause, put my hand on my heart, maybe love myself a bit. Maybe it's a glass of water. Maybe it's a walk. Maybe it's a deep breath. And then you can open your eyes and get on with your day. But if you sprinkle those through your day, you are building self-compassion practice. And the lovely thing about building self-compassion practice is it. You build it within you, you build your own resilience within you, but it filters out from you out to other people. And I read some research that said it filters out five degrees from the person who's practicing it. So as I'm practicing self compassion to myself, I'm more likely to be compassionate to someone else. And then in turn, I'm more likely to feel compassionate to someone else. And it goes up five degrees from that way. So if you want to turn a workplace, want it to be more compassionate, it starts with you.
Tim Reitsma
Mm-hmm.
Miranda Lee
Just doing this micro moment. So that's the first one that I'm suggesting. And then the second one is something that I wake up with in my day and I say to myself, again, it takes me 30 seconds. And it's something like, I just like to settle the body because it just gets us ready. So maybe feel on the ground again poison the eyes, my hand on my heart, my hand on my belly. Maybe just taking a few breaths in and out to feel the breath in our body. Doing this to keep us present right so a mind comes into the breath and you can say something to yourself like may I be filled with kindness may I be happy may I be at ease or something like that and again repeating it to yourself it really does transform your life and how you and how you approach other people yeah.
Tim Reitsma
Hmm.
Tim Reitsma
Thank you for sharing that. And, um, I know the name of your website is find that pause and. Man, we just live such busy lives. That I don't know how often I say this or people around me. I hear people say this is, I feel like I forgot to breathe today. And how important it is to find that pause through.
Miranda Lee
Mmm.
Tim Reitsma
Is mindful meditation, a walk, um, prayer, drinking some water, whatever it is. Just take a pause. So we've trained again, I'm generalizing, but I know for me, I've trained my brain to just always be on. Always have an answer. Just pause. Take that breath.
Tim Reitsma
And then we can go about building compassionate workplaces, um, compassionate schools, compassionate societies. And then that I think will lead into building those trusting relationships and opening up places for people to share.
Miranda Lee
100 percent.
Tim Reitsma
Yeah. Thank you for, for walking us through that. Thank you for sharing your practice with us. Um, I've thoroughly enjoyed this conversation. I love just that difference between empathy and empathetic leadership versus compassionate leadership. Um, one question I always wrap up with is what hope and encouragement would you like to leave with our listeners today?
Miranda Lee
Just that you can learn these practices anytime, anyone can do them, and they can transform your life for the better. You can be more content, more productive, more creative. And as you do that, so you create that around other people. Yeah.
Tim Reitsma
Yeah. Starts with, starts with self, right? That whole self compassion and yeah. Yeah. So whether you have an invisible condition or you work with somebody who does, or a family member, maybe your caregiver, or maybe you think there's people around you that have something going on and, um, you just don't know, invite somebody into a dialogue, be authentically curious.
Miranda Lee
Yeah, it starts with you and it can go out from you. Yeah.
Tim Reitsma
Start that conversation. Um, Miranda, such a pleasure to have you on the podcast. Um, I've learned a lot. Uh, you've given me a lot to think about as I start my day here in, in BC. We recorded this pretty early in the morning. Um, it's given me a lot to think about as I, as I head to the office here soon. Where can people find you? If people want to learn more about your practice, learn more about you. Where can people find you?
Miranda Lee
So my website is FindThatPause, as you mentioned, FindThatPause.com. So all my information is on there. I'd love to connect with more people. So yeah, sign up for my email, my newsletter. I always send out practices, so you can find me there. Thank you so much, Tim. It's been an absolute pleasure.
Tim Reitsma
Yes, likewise. And, and for those who are listening, um, head to invisiblecondition.com. I'll have all Miranda's information in the show notes. Um, also if you've liked this episode, what really helps me to continue this project is, is give us a rating on whatever platform you're on, just give it a rating. But also if you have feedback, if you have comments, send those to me, head to invisiblecondition.com to the contact page. I respond to everything that comes in.
And if you can also find me on LinkedIn under Tim Reitsma. And again, I try to respond to everything very quickly, but I will promise to get back to you. And if you have an invisible condition and you want to learn how to share your story, connect with me. Let's talk. And I'm not an expert, but I am a champion and a cheerleader for you. So with that, everyone have an amazing day and we'll talk to you again soon.
