Journal entry No. 3 - Anxiety

Invisible Condition Journal Entry No. 1. I talk about mental health, sharing our stories, and killing the stigma that surrounds mental health in order to be comfortable reaching out for support.

Transcript

Hey, Tim here, host of the Invisible Condition podcast, a show where we talk about unusually normal things. Anxiety, fear. That's what I'm feeling today as I sit down to record journal entry number three. If someone asked me if I prepare for these, and honestly, it's just what's on top of my mind. And the word anxiety is floating around today and has been the last few weeks.

For me, the way anxiety manifests itself is I get completely overwhelmed and I shut down. I said to my wife, Tanya today, the day I'm recording this, that I shouldn't pursue invisible condition. I'm just overwhelmed with it.

It could go in a few different directions. It could become a few different things, but...

I am overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of work that goes into it. Overwhelmed by the volume of comments and messages that are coming in. And, uh, and so the way the way anxiety and this feeling of overwhelmed manifests in me is, is I just want to shut down. I know for some people get excited and get almost that high off of all the feedback and for me, it's never been about that. You're starting a visible condition was really almost self-serving to kill the stigma about sharing about our invisible conditions.

You know, some things happened to me in my career that maybe one day I'll get into, but, but not today.

but it's really showing up in anxiety, fear, that feeling of being overwhelmed.

How do I cope with it? I still struggle to figure that out many, many years later. I know for me what works is I make sure that my close friends know what I'm going through. Good friend reached out recently and said, hey, how can I be praying for you? Another friend I reached out to and said, hey, this season I'm in right now.

I feel like just completely unplugging from everyone. So please hold me accountable to make sure that I am still a good friend and a good father, a good husband. I reach out to my pastor and say, hey, I'm looking for some support.

Because I think it's so important that if we, if I am going to normalize the unusually normal things, to talk about the things that may make us uncomfortable. Uh, I need to talk about it. I need to, to show and to demonstrate that it's okay to not be okay.

Today is maybe not one of those days. I'm not feeling great. I put out a post today. I had an iron infusion and maybe it's my last one. I'm not sure, but my body is absorbing iron and producing hemoglobin again. And so sitting there and took a picture and sent it off into the social media universe. And a comment came in, a direct message came in. And

This person shared a bit of their story and thanked me. Thanked me for being brave enough to talk to pushing out the stigma and they want to connect and share their story now. That gives me motivation amongst other things, but anxiety. I'm curious, how do you cope with anxiety?

Another way that I do is I love to go for walks. I love to ride my bike. Um, some people like to go to the gym. I don't like going to the gym at all. Um, I would much rather ride my exercise bike or lift some weights at home. But, um, but for me, it's also enjoying a good cup of coffee or camping. When I'm recording this right now, it's November, 2023. And, uh, me and my family are going to head out into the woods and do a weekend of camping.

That's one of the ways we deal with, I deal with anxiety.

You know, honestly, I'm not sure where invisible condition is going to go as a project. And I'm someone, my operations mindset, my operations training kicks in and says, I need to have a plan and I need to make sure I do cause analysis and I need to put together a project and, and start executing, which I think for, for a lot of us, maybe, maybe not, maybe that's generalization. It's overwhelming.

I started putting pen to paper and working on a strategic plan, uh, because I'm exploring, uh, the idea of, of creating a visible condition as a nonprofit, as a charitable organization. And last week I was super excited about it this week. I'm so overwhelmed with it. And then I just started sitting down and going, I should apply for every job possible. And yes, well, I am looking for, for some part-time work.

But I decided today, and actually my wife helped me decide today that visible condition is something worth pursuing. I gave a talk this week to an organization, my first paid talk, and so excited to not send an invoice and get paid. That's, that's the least of my excitement, but to hear people within this organization share openly, honestly and vulnerably about their invisible condition, about what they need from their organization and sharing ideas on how within that organization they can end the stigma. That's what I'm holding on to today as I'm battling this word anxiety. And again, I'm curious, how do you make decisions? How do you push anxiety to the side. You know, there's a verse in the Bible that I love and, and it talks about sufficiency and talks about tomorrow's going to worry about itself. And honestly, that is incredibly comforting to me because as much as I want to control what's going to happen tomorrow and the next day and the next year and the next 10 years, it's impossible. I can't.

I know this for fact because I tried to control my job and my health and my life. And I ended up having to get surgery. I know I can't control those things. And that's something that gives me comfort. So as I sit here and wrestle with that word anxiety, wrestle with the direction of a visible condition. I am just so honored to.

Be a recipient of emails and messages through LinkedIn and through Instagram about your story and that you trust me with that. And I'm just so excited to continue to share your stories. This is a project that I believe in. And when I start to get overwhelmed, I just get to just go back to that last journal entry on resilience. I'm going to reach out to.

Uh, my good friends and I'm going to continue to flush this out. And if you want to be part of the journey, send me a note, hop into invisible condition.com and, and hit the connect tab there and drop me a note. I'm all ears. And if you want to collaborate on something, if you have a way that you deal with anxiety and you want to share, let me know I'm all ears. So. You know, if you do have a moment, you know, just.

Let me know. I want to connect. I think I thrive on that. I thrive on connection, jumping on the phone, jumping on a Google meet, uh, through text, whatever it looks like. I know that helps me with, uh, with my anxiety. So I have a couple asks. One is if your organization could benefit learning about a visible condition and how the words we use, um, have an impact, how to talk about unusually normal things, reach out to me.

Uh, if you are, this is totally self-serving. If you have potentially some, some contract work for me, uh, in operations, HR leadership, let me know, uh, I'm seeking right now. And I know that that's one way that will help with my anxiety. So a couple of selfish things there, but this is a journal entry and, and it's a stream of consciousness that's.

from my mind into the words that I'm using right now. So thanks for tuning in. Hope you have a great one and I'm looking forward to the next episode dropping on Wednesday.